As I sit here at 11:01pm with Dayne sleeping in my lap, I cannot help but be overcome with emotion.
Many of you know that it took us longer than most to have this little bundle of happiness I have the absolute pleasure of waking up to every day. Yes, there were long nights of praying and tears and a big bump in the road before he graced us on May 22, 2011 at exactly 6:00pm. I have wanted to get this all down before days and months of diapers, feedings and many other numerous facets of this Mommy job fog my brain and I dont remember every little detail like I do now. So here goes......
Christmas Eve 2009: Things "just don't feel right" and I have to say I am having an internal conflict of what to do. Davis goes into work for some overtime and I got to the Dollar Store for a pregnancy test (because I think this transaction on the online banking will not look suspicious haha). I pass, if you will, and IMMEDIATELY call my best friend, Stephanie, in tears besause it is finally happening after a year and a half of trying. God was telling me it was my time for a sweet little baby of our very own and I started making promises to Him that I'd take such very good care of this baby. We'd be the greatest parents to him/her that we could. :) I swore Steph to secrecy.
We were to leave for Louisiana when Davis got off of work, we were driving straight through as always. The whole drive down I was sick as a dog and he just couldn't figure why I was so interested in saltines all of the sudden....he had no clue!!
I had my sister filmimg Davis openning his presents from me because I wanted to have the look on his face when found out that we were to have a baby. It took him a minute to realize why he got a baby bottle for Christmas. Then came the tears! He cried, I cried.
We were so darn excited!
The weeks couldn't pass quick enough for my first appointment with Dr. Halloin.
February 3, 2010 was a cold day here in Green Bay. It only seemed like it was going to be a wonderful day.
Since Dr. Halloin couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with his handheld doppler, we were sent across the hall to ultrasound. He said this was very normal considering how I was still in my first trimester.
Skipping a lot of details I don't wish to remember much less type, the baby's heart had stopped beating.
Our little angel baby just wasn't strong enough to make it.
This still shakes me to the very core. It was and still continues to be such a tragic loss for Davis and I.
Fast forward 6 months to the day:
After a few visits to Dr. Halloin, we were considering fertility treatments. I was praying that it didn't have to come to that but we wanted a baby and I wasn't going to give up that easily.
My parents were comimg to Green Bay to visit us for about a week and I was so lookimg forward to seeing them, my mind was off of the whole baby thing.
I needed them. Not only as a distraction, but as in 'I miss my mommy & daddy' needed them. The day after they left to go back to LA I was feeling not so hot.
I knew this feeling....and I was terrified.
